‘Feel Everything’

When Ben died at the tender age of twelve years and six days old, I felt like I couldn’t breathe. There’s this sudden anxiety in grief, that seems to take hold almost immediately deep within your heart and leaves your nervous system shattered. It’s like nothing I’ve ever experienced before. Even in the uncertainty of being isolated in hospital with him, waiting to see how chemotherapy worked, hours, days, months listening to the constant beeping of the machines, almost melodic after a while and trying every trick in the book to coax him onto a bed for the next bone marrow aspirate, all the while feeling the constant waves of nausea and fear seeping into my veins, couldn’t prepare me for how my heart and body were going to navigate the moment of dying, the second of watching him take his final breath in this world, before heading out to stride the stars in the next.

For years, I have been doing what some would describe as ‘self development’ - working on myself, learning about meditation, breathwork, a number of healing modalities and there’s no doubt in my mind that learning and absorbing that information over many years, has contributed to the ability to manage day to day life now, seven years on from losing Ben to cancer.

The best piece of advice I received during those early days and weeks, in fact, pretty much from the moment Ben had begun his new adventure, was to ‘feel everything.’ As in, to let myself feel every wave of emotion, every cycle of pain, every guttural howl into the ether. All the fear and anxiety that took over, all of the pain of feeling the agony of letting go of my child. I was to feel all of it, in order to begin to process the reality of what had happened. Before Ben died, I had already been learning Instrumental Living with Steve Lashley for about eight years at that point, so when I was advised to ‘feel everything,’ it became more of a natural step and helped me to avoid becoming numb.

It’s not an easy choice to make, because the immediate feeling of loss of connection is heartbreaking, literally like your heart is being ripped open and you can’t gather any energy or air to breathe. The emotion in grief is almost indescribable. Yet, the reason I was told this, was to ensure I didn’t allow myself to become numb.

As an empath I have always felt everything deeply, so the idea of not feeling anything was actually more terrifying and upsetting, than allowing my whole self to go through the process of acknowledging and accepting my grief.

Something I have learned in seven years of wandering this extraordinary path, is that when you lose a child, it goes against the natural order of things. In recent years, I have found great comfort in the Sanskrit word, Vilomah, which means literally that; against the natural order. There is no word in the English language to describe a bereaved parent and it can be one of the most isolating realisations in those early moments, but I want to change that for you, dear fellow Vilomah and all those supporting bereaved parents and families. You are not alone and I would like to help you feel reconnected to yourself and help you to acknowledge your grief, where you are in this very moment and help you to process your grief to allow you to step into the next moment. All the time, being able to feel intense joy and magic there is in the world, even when everything feels out of sync. Even when you feel lonely. There are many of us, like a quiet network of strength, love and humanity, walking alongside you and holding you tight.

Feeling the pain of loss and understanding how to be present, something I have learned and am still learning (it’s a lifelong way of life) has helped me to process my grief.

Outward creative expression continues to be a wonderful way to bypass the noise of the reactive mind and begin to process all the sadness. Grief is a stagnant energy and from the moment you are falling into this abyss of wild, undulating emotion, you will be gripped and held in the moment of trauma … until you begin to process.

It all takes time, but creativity is an amazing way to start to feel everything and express and connect with all the sadness, fragility, disappointment, heartbreak, joy and magic that is perpetually flying into your orbit.

Sending love to all who need it xxx

Enjoying creative immersion